I'm honestly not sure how many of you know this, but over the course of this school year I had an epiphany. I really want to be an elementary school art teacher. (I'm totally blaming this on my Expository Writing for Elementary Ed Teachers course. I just took it because it looked fun, okay?!) Obviously, as an Illustration major, that's not what I'm learning right now, so I've been looking at grad schools to get a masters in Art Ed at a program that also gives students their teaching certificate. I LOVE Illustration. I LOVE telling stories through art, getting callouses on my fingers from painting all day, making people laugh and smile and understand because of what I create, and I cannot wait for the day I hold a book in my hand that I illustrated. I cannot wait for children to pore over my work, for it to make them smile, for it to make them want to be better people. That's what I want to do. Art has power and it makes me happy. Illustration has, and continually will, change the world.
But Illustration as a career is fickle. It's a "feast or famine" job, and if you don't have a family, you're working alone every day of the week. Many illustrators combat that by teaching.
The thing is, I don't just want to teach because I want a steady income and coworkers. If I wanted that, I could go back to working at Disney World, where I was incredibly happy regardless of the job. If I just wanted income and coworkers, I wouldn't be going to grad school and uprooting my life and spending more money.
In Becca's writing class, surrounded by future elementary ed teachers and taught by an
incredibly gifted professor, teaching is a bug. The desire to change lives, to shape children, to offer them an education that says "Yes, you can. And you
will."...that's something I want to do. I have ALWAYS loved children and I have ALWAYS loved teaching them. There was never any better moment in babysitting than when I connected with a child or taught them something that they remember. Even just presenting for a small project we had in Becca's class, when I looked out and saw a classmate's eyes get bigger and brighter and her mouth form the universal "o" of understanding, my heart leapt. Tiffanie and I volunteered at a local third grade classroom our freshman year for a class and those days were always my favorite days of the week. I know art has power, I know art classes have incredible merit and necessity, and I know I can bring that power to children. The way I want to change their lives through my artwork, I can change their lives through
their own artwork, too. If Illustration has the power to change the world, think of what power art has when you're teaching an entire generation how to use it best!
So this epiphany, this life-changing decision, came a few months back. Over the past few weeks, I have been applying for BYU's BFA program. We've got the Illustration program, which I'm in, and the BFA program, which is for the Best of the Best. Great void, I am - according to the illustration professors at BYU - not the best of the best. Basically, they said, "We don't think you have the aptitude to make it with the big boys, so get out of our hair and graduate faster." This news crushed me. I wasn't very hopeful, if I'm being honest. I knew the kind of talent I was up against, I knew the skills I lacked...what I
didn't know was that, due to it being so late in the game for me as a junior in college, I wouldn't get a second chance. My plan to get into that elite BFA and study closely with teachers and colleagues for an extra year of school has been destroyed. This plan that I've had since I started school, the eternal joke with my friends that I would never graduate from BYU, this chance to take classes that groom me artistically and professionally as an illustrator have been stolen from underneath me. These teachers as a whole don't have faith in me. According to my "Plan B" major map, I am poised to graduate in exactly one year, far earlier than I ever expected and technically a semester earlier than BYU expected, since I went to Disney for a semester.
What I realized yesterday, after hours of listening to my "Eat it and Gag" playlist and half a tub of Ben & Jerry's (that's a Shakespeare and Drag Queen reference...you'd be surprised how often those two go hand-in-hand), was that all this has happened happened at exactly the right time. My epiphany was crucial to my acceptance of my rejection! If I didn't have plans to further my education already, being thrown out into the Big Blue World and trying to survive as an Illustrator without even teacher support would be absolutely petrifying!
At least now I know that even IF they're right (which they're not...you'll see, you'll
all see!), I'm going to get more education to improve my art AND improve my career options. I'll leave this school next year and sure, never live in a pretty townhome with Tiffanie or have a BFA show all to myself in the HFAC, but I'll get out of here. I'll find a school that appreciates me individually. That grooms me to be the best darn professional ever. And when I get my teaching job, I am going to make every single student know that I believe they CAN succeed if they try hard enough. I'm going to be living proof of that to them, with published illustrated books on my teachers' desk.
Who knows, maybe I'll even frame that dumb rejection letter next to my teaching certificate and Caldecott medal.
I don't need to spend an additional year being artistically groomed by professors that don't respect me and with classmates that don't know my name. I can choose to leave and choose to find additional education with a new group of professors and a new group of colleagues. I can choose to start over. Let me be very clear: BYU is an AMAZING art program with INCREDIBLE teachers. But I took too long to figure out how to love and improve myself. BYU is an efficient, degree-giving machine and I fell by the wayside out of my own laziness. I can choose to pick myself up from the floor with my Bachelor of Arts in Illustration and have the New Alaina be accepted and honored at her New school.
Here's what I'm getting at, through sharing this. If I discovered that I wanted to teach NOW, I think the idea of "those who can't; teach" would be haunting me much more than it is. Illustration is what I love, and I'm going to do it
and use it to improve my classroom. I'm already in contact with the art teachers from the elementary school down the block from my apartment. They are thrilled to have me volunteer to help and learn from them, already giving me chances to prove my worth and help change lives. After months of rejection after rejection after rejection, I'm being told "Yes, we want you". Even if they just want me for my free labor, they
want me. And I want this. It feels so good to read those emails from those excited art teachers. I can't wait for the day I'm the excited art teacher, getting emails from parents who have seen a change in their students as they find passion in art. I'm going to believe in those kids and give them a confidence to take with them through every rejection adulthood throws at them. I want that life more than I want an additional year at BYU and another letter on my diploma.